I want to run out of here
With the wind as my lover
crushing the trembling leaves bare feet.
Ups and downs and swings with the tree trunks
Being the playful spoilt child of nature
I wanna find you out there,
To touch, to feel, to live the majesty of life.

( Joint venture thanks to Rafi)

The backdrop music for the movie(Vicky Cristina Barcelona) was very interesting for me, this is the 3rd movie of its type I have watched so far. And they all have this type of music, like someone is telling a very intelligent story. I don’t have the words for it, if we think of a child and the vocal/music of a village bio-scope, and then keep the same chemistry but change the scene and its participants with me and the movie and the music, we may reach somewhere near the shore of my emotional effects.

The thing Juan said about his father’s unwillingness to speak other languages was so much interesting, so much logical and its so new to me, that its polluting to speak other tongue. That one dialogue fascinated me so much. And how vicky rationalise the idea is also very fresh to me.

The whole movie felt so real and and like no scripting involved. Their conversations were so beautiful, like they were coming out naturally, like no plot involved, some fraction of some people’s life simply in front of my eyes, to intimidate me to contemplate on life, revisit my thoughts and ideas. Not necessarily changing them , but finding a little more meaning, a little more appreciation for it. Life truely is a piece of art, where we can be both the creator and the enjoyer. You just have to have the feel for it.

“I am full of real emotions and I have to find a way to express it.” It was my feelings for so long time until I let it go that I am simply not gifted enough, I have the eye, the ear, the touch to enjoy it, but the path to the creation of art always kept itself illusive to me.

Its also scary that how much I can relate to cristina, till some times of my life, before I stopped living it. I was/still am so confused, who I am , what my beliefs are. Am I being pretentious in whatever I am doing?

But at the last it seems like there is nothing perfect or lasting in the space of art/restlessness/ever-searching-for-something-missing. As long as you are in that dimension, the “finally”, “found”, “lasting”, “forever” are not in the dictionary. As the narrator said “Thoughts began to take precedence over feelings”.

Just like this post, though I am typing I am still feeling confused about my feelings of the movie, or the feelings it stirred up. I am being unable to define those. And feeling so lost and pathetic for the lack of talent to express my emotions. Like rage/disappointment/any negative things unexpressed creates imbalance so does the lack of expression for strong emotions. It feels like I don’t know the language let alone the grammar and the longer I wait, the sooner I dissipates little by little.

And you thought it was easy for me
to close my heart towards you.
You thought it was easy for me
to close my eyes towards dream.
You thought it was easy for me
to close my mind to your smile.
You thought it was so easy for me
to leave the place I called home.
Now my heart never opens up,
My nights pass in painful nightmare
being nearly sleepless.
Now I even stopped smiling, masking my tears in
monster like laughter, ungraceful, insincere.
Now I live in a fragile shell of aloneness,
having nowhere to return to.
I travelled a long way from that crossroad I left you,
Yet I didn’t find what I was looking for.
Did you, did you finally find peace?
Did you finally find it possible to believe in love?
Did you finally find a place you can return to?

“who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret”

“It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands”

“Sons of my ancient mother, you riders of the tides, How often have you sailed in my dreams. And now you come in my awakening, which is my deeper dream”

“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.”

“Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping”

“It is when you give of yourself that you truly give”

Does?
Does he take you in his arms
like each time was his last
Does he lie awake at night
your face upon his mind
your taste on his tongue
your name upon his lips
Have you ever seen him cry?
When you are with him
do you draw
your chilled body nearer
to denim and black leather
to jagged scars and whispered lyrics
a racing heart
a restless spirit
Has he ever made you sweat?
Will he take you by the hand
and lead you into the night
bodies pulsing
breath increasing
howling at the moon
Would his fingers ever bleed?
When you and he embrace
naked flesh
glistening sweat
do you slam your hand against the wall
and drive your body down
screaming out the name
you gave your lover
hot tears running
from your seawater eyes
Can he bring you to the edge?
Was he there when you departed
Did he kiss your trembling mouth
Could he hear
your beating heart?
Did it tear him up inside?Is it him you truly love?

Rise
My steps are but so very few
in a shuffling gait
like a hobbled horse
blinded limbs and deafened nerves
I stumble
slow to rise
but rise I do

to stay down means to die