It falls silently,
in the secret of night.
Unheard, unseen squeezed out pains
from the yesterday.
The tears of doing the right things,
yet not feeling right at all.

The scarlet sun had set
The swifting twilight left,
without the promise to blush tomorrow.
I sat here speechless.
No ferris wheel, no candy floss,
and definitely none stepping inside my world.
I am here where I always been,
Devoid of warmth, music or color,
Waiting at the mercy
of the emperor of the night.
To snatch me away to another world,
A world where this heart feels no more longing.

অরন্যের গহীন নিবিড়তায়
এক চিলতে আকাশের খোজে পথ হারানো সে জন
সবুজের সীমাহীন আতিসয্যে মুহ্যমান।
রাত জাগা লালচে জলন্ত চোখে একাগ্রতায়,
নিষ্ঠুর বনের সাথে, নিশ্চুপ মহিরূহের সাথে
বাজি লাগে নিজের অস্তিত্তে একটু আলোর আকাঙ্খায়।
আমার জানা হয়নি আজো, সে কি পেয়েছিলো?
অজশ্র সত্য মিথ্যার ডালপালা আর অনুভূতির ধ্রুমজাল এড়িয়ে তার নিজের এক টুকরো আকাশ?

It feels like a lifetime..when was the last time I loved someone..just love a person purely? Though I started to become skeptical about love, I believe in it, I encourage my friends, I give my valuable ( !!! ) advice to them about love, I tell myself that I believe in love. But do I really, then why can’t I love people anymore. Why don’t I feel the serene power and energy of love for another human being? I lead a life of prime routine, a routine I didn’t create, it created itself around me. Whenever I wanna break out of it, I find there is nowhere to go, nothing to do, none to be with. Everyday I do the same things, duties and responsibilities. When I lost the power to love another person, did I start to lose the love for myself? Is it the reason that I no longer feel to anything for anyone? I don’t visit my parents, I don’t visit my friends ( except a few )…most of the weekends I feel so sad that my limbs doesn’t move, I simply lay down there in the bed, pretending to be asleep…why can’t I cry? I really need a good cry, to my heart’s content. I didn’t cry much after that day. I bear so much pain and bitterness in myself and yet to keep so many smiles in store for all the people specially my best friend, parents, in-laws and colleagues. I got lost in so many masks, I can’t find myself. Have I got mutated? Is love really the source of everything? My joy and tears both seem to got lost with it.

I was such hopelessly romantic, how come I stopped loving people? I no longer do anything for anyone out of love. I don’t do anything at all. I feel like I have lost the ability to feel anything at all. I feel like dead. Nothing sparks in my heart anymore, its so ice cold there.

I believe love is such wonderful heavenly thing, and there was time when I was full of love for everyone in my life. Where did it go? I no longer feel that much pure and confident inside. who knew I could feel this much frustrated for the lack of love in my heart. I wanna inflict so much pain on myself. But ohh no I can’t do that either, I am married, I have to think about the person who love me so much, and can’t see me in this shitty state. God! what am I to do? Am I becoming just an insanely angry person? I wanna fight back myself, I wanna salvage what’s left of my soul, I wanna find that damned love again. But how?

uff…I wanna scream at the top of my voice, I wanna take a knife and run it through my chest.

এখন এখানে ঝুপ করে সন্ধ্যা নামে,
ধুসর নীল পাহাড়ের আড়ালে
আচমকা বুক খালি করে হারিয়ে যায় গোধুলী।
আমার পথে এক চিলতে চুরি করা আলো, একটু আগেও ছিলো…
শীতের আদুরে বিকেল এর সে এখন শুধুই স্মৃতি।

তবে তার উষ্ণতা এখনো আমার হাতের মুঠোয়,
অদ্ভুত এক স্নিগ্ধ ভালো লাগায় ছুঁয়ে আছে।

“Those who understand us, enslaves something in us” … I was reading “Madman” by Jibran. This line felt like a punch. In my urge to find someone who understands me, a friend with whom I can be as impulsive as I want, I forgot this huge fact. We give that person certain powers over us, unknowingly. This create certain level of expectations, and such pain when they don’t click. Why are we, human so confused and controversial? Why we want something, most of the time we fail to manage it. I, from my experience I believe that Love is hugely overrated, is that applies to friendship too? Do I really want someone to enslave something in me? I want to get rid of disappointment…I want to get rid of expectations and above all I wanna be fulfilled by myself only.

There was it, on a evergreen lush emergent tree, with lianas creating mystical patterns around the view deck. The dew socked roof and moist walls around that spacious hollow was creating such strange scent…Its drizzling so early in this ancient rain forest… time to time some helpless bird giving out such heart broken screech…the rain falling on the tree trunks, on big flat unknown leaves….creating such enchanting symphony. the occasional gust of wind creating an orchestra more powerful than any maestro… in company of the charming branches, bamboo wind chimes and the delicious peepholes in the walls.

She laid flat on her back… on the white linen bed, laid down so carelessly on the wooden floor. Books and sketches laying around. continuous breeze was playing with the papers, flipping back and forth. She was in a trance, all the scent, music and surreal surrounding was overflowing all her senses. She felt paralyzed in so much joy, that she plunged into a endless pit of sadness. Completely dry yet she felt like she’s been lying in that miserly rain the whole night, soaking wet, she was trembling in unknown sensation. She couldn’t figure out all the images running in her mind, with passing moments chaos was taking control of her fragile heart.

She could feel, she needed to get up. In a sleepwalking mood, she stepped out on the view deck. The slight chilled breeze of the upcoming winter, greeted her with all its might. Suddenly all the chaos, uneasiness and confusion left her limbs. She shivered in cold, the light green cloth snuggling her frame couldn’t provide warmth, but in her heart a thousand bubbles burst and sipped a liquid warmth. She felt like transforming from a damp weed to a crisp potpourri. The sound of the not so far fall sounded so grand. She opened her eyes….a world of color and music exploded in front of her. The delicious pink Kapok was just there, weaving an enchanting story with the mists hanging in different layers of the forest, with the exquisite ferns and orchids. It was so much color, so much music, so many senses! It felt so pure and serene, it felt like the edge of the world, none but her present. She couldn’t believe herself, it was like experiencing the birth of a a brand new world in this wonderfully natural surrounding, not a single bit of tech trash around her, no wires or wireless, for the first time in her life she felt she doesn’t need any music player, hell no singer either. How sufficient everything was!! So rich, so powerful…she felt sudden self consciousness. She felt out of place, she wanted to belong there, with nature.

Some sort of banglow…..late night……sitting in the veranda……a little stronger wind……blowing through her hair….playing with her bare skin….
She sat there…inhaling everything the night has to offer…waiting for……….

then suddenly she stepped out…..felt like strolling along the path down
a little hidden narrow path, walking bare foot….small twigs breaking…leafs crushing…..yet small dews adoringly passionately embracing every bit of her feet
fireflies, winds through the bushes, her payel, bangles and untuned humming was making a weird yet enchanting symphony.
she had a kolapata rong saree adoring her frame, time to time she has held back with the anchol by the mystical bushes, or playful branches…..
yet she stepped ahead….looking for someone….donno…..she didn’t know…..
but every step was increasing her heart beat, the warmth in her blood was sparkling against the chilling wind…
the wind who wanted to win her over with every touch….
she came to a halt… on a small flat piece of earth, like a hanging veranda….from the frame of the mountain…
a fairy place….the dews were shining proudly in the moon light….
The moment she stepped on them, its like a thousand crystal broke in the air, the music, the sparkle and passion that ran through her blood, made her collapse in ecstasy.
She felt entranced with the bold phenomenon surrounding her. she felt to touch be touched so much….her hands trailed the grass, collecting the precious dews….
they touched her lips….were dews supposed to test sweet…she didn’t know…but her body responded in a diff way…. dews traced her eyes…cheeks….the sensitive skins near the neck
…her collar bone…..
So much resonance….oscillating her blood, her soul….her mind felt dizzy, she kept trembling like a leaf in this last autumn night…she shivered in the touch of the wind…
she is not cold….strange…she is warm….her mind tried to fight back….but the devilish playful wind….the king of night will win her over…

She felt lost… her tender heart couldn’t seem to keep pace with the emotions, passions……she collapsed….on the bed of those fairy dews….with that wet smell of earth….the mischievous touch of the grass… and the wind….that damn wonderful wind….taking her to another world….she closed her eyes…..if its a dream…let it be…..she didn’t wanna wake up to feel to drained….she wanted to be there….as long as possible…………………………

She kept lying….nature looked down to her with so much love….until the next morning…when the sun came knocking on her feet…..she stayed there….with her secret love….

We walk the paths of the world,
With each step carrying a secret dream to fly.
But when we finally fly,
We cry for an inviting hand to land.

We run, we fight for the hunger for peace,
Yet we get so bored,
We create a new struggle everyday.

I want to run out of here
With the wind as my lover
crushing the trembling leaves bare feet.
Ups and downs and swings with the tree trunks
Being the playful spoilt child of nature
I wanna find you out there,
To touch, to feel, to live the majesty of life.

( Joint venture thanks to Rafi)